L A N G A W

Ako’y hindi totoong magiging bato
Lalo’t kung Kamataya’y ako’y laging talo.

Para kay Kris A.:

Kalakip nito ang kopya ng kanta ng isa sa mga paborito kong banda, ang Death Cab for Cutie. Gusto ko sanang iparinig sa iyo ang liriks ng kantang ito dahil nababagay ito sa kasalukuyang kalagayan mo, sampu ng iyong naulilang pamilya.

Alam mo, pareho tayo kaya alam ko ang nararamdaman mo. Masakit mawalan ng magulang, lalo na’t karamdaman ang nagwagi sa laban. Pero ang kaibhan lang natin, ikaw, naging mabuti kang anak. Nasa tabi ka niya hanggang sa katapusan. Ako, hindi. Dalawang beses akong nahuli ng dating. Sa kanilang dalawa, kay Mommy ako higit na nasaktan. Higit apat na taon na ang nakararaan mula nang siya’y mamatay. Hanggang sa pagkamatay ni Daddy nitong ika-27 ng Hulyo, ipinagluluksa ko pa rin ang kanyang kamatayan.

Kaya nga nang mabalitaan ko noong ika-28 ng Hulyo (Pacific time) na namatay si Daddy, hindi ako labis na nalungkot. Oo, umiyak ako. Pero habang umiiyak ako, masaya ako. Kasi, alam mo ba, ang nasa isip ko, magkakasama na ulit sila ni Mommy. Pati na rin ni Ate Lissa at ni Auntie. Tsaka pala nina Tita Dor at Ate Dahls.

Nang dumating ako sa burol ni Daddy noong ika-31 ng Hulyo, hindi ako umiyak o napaiyak. Kalmado ako sa buong magdamag sa huling lamay hanggang sa libing kinaumagahan. Agad kong natanggap ang pagkamatay niya. Madali kong natanggap dahil nakapagpaalam ako sa kanya noong nakaraang taon bago ako lumipad. Hindi kay Mommy, na may anim na taon kong hindi man lang nadalaw o naisip dalawin, kaya ganon na lamang katindi ang pagdadalamhati ko nang dumating ako kung kailan wala na siya. Guilt-ridden talaga.

Kung ako sa’yo, ipagpasalamat mo na lamang na natapos na ang paghihirap ng Mom mo. Tsaka, gaya nga ng sinabi ko, naging mabuti kang anak dahil binantayan at inalagaan mo siya hanggang sa huli. Iyang bagay na yan ay dapat mong ipagpasalamat. Kung maibabalik ko nga lang ang panahon, e di sana naging mabuti rin akong anak tulad mo. Sana hindi ko sinayang ang pagkakataon na maipadama sa kanila ang pagmamahal sa pamamagitan ng paglingap. Sana nabantayan ko rin sila. At sana hindi ako nasasaktan ngayon sa tuwing maririnig ko ang huling linya sa huling stanza ng kantang, What Sarah Said: “…that love is watching someone die.”

Di tulad mo, di ko nagawang mahawakan man lang ang kamay o mayakap ang isa sa kanila sa huling pagkakataon na humihinga pa sila. Nasilip lang pero ang masaklap, sa ibabaw na ng de-salaming kahon.

Kaya maswerte ka. Kainis!

Karamay sa pighati,
Ako lamang

P.S. Hindi ko mai-attach ang audio file. Maaari bang paki-google mo na lamang ang kanta? Mayroon sa YouTube bagamat hindi iyon official music video.

***

Napansin ko lang, isa-isa na akong iniiwan ng mga mahal ko sa buhay. Pero carry lang. Ika nga ni Lord Alfred Tennyson, ’tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Muli, maaraw nang ako’y magising. Dikta ng instinct, agad kong binuklat ang librong sadyang itinabi ko sa aking pagtulog kagabi at itinuloy ang pagbabasa. May tatlumpung minuto rin siguro ang lumipas nang pasukin ako sa kwarto ng ate ko at nagsimulang makipag-usap, senyales upang ako’y bumangon at iwan muli pansamantala ang nobela.

Napakaganda ng sikat ng araw ngayong araw na ito at habang minamalas ko ang tanawin mula sa bintana ng computer room, hindi ko mapigilang makaramdam ng kakaibang kasiyahan na nagbibigay ng kapanatagan sa aking kalooban. Naroroon sa bakuran, nagpapaaraw ang ate ko kasama ang aming pamangkin.

Nang muling bumalik ang aking ulirat, saka ko naalalang kaarawan ngayon ni Supremo (Andres Bonifacio).

Mahaba ang oras subalit hindi ako nakararamdam ng pagkabugnot. Hindi pa nauubos ang kaligayahang dulot ng pagkatanggap ko ng lisensya kahapon. Kaya siguro ganito ako kasaya ngayon.

Pagkatapos maghapunan saka ko pinasyang ituloy ang pagbabasa ng nobela. Tinapos ko ito at bagamat sumagi sa isip kong isunod ang Crank, pinasya kong matulog na.

Quotable Quotes mula sa nobelang ’Slam‘ ni Nick Hornby

“I knew I was being a coward, but sometimes you have to be a coward, don’t you? There’s no point in being brave if you’re just going to get destroyed. (p.115)

“But in my world a baby, even without a machine gun, is like a terrorist with a machine gun, if you think about it, because Roof was every bit as deadly to my chances of going to college to do art and design etc. as an al-Qaida operative. And actually, Alicia was another al-Qaida, plus also her mum and dad, plus also my mum, because when she found out, she would literally kill me dead.” (pp.115-116)

Alicia looked at me. I cleared my throat. Nobody said anything.

“I’m going to have a baby,” I said.

Whatever the reason, we couldn’t have had a worse start. Because Alicia made a kind of snorting sound, which was her trying not to laugh. I’d said something stupid because I was nervous… (p.164)

“I dunno.” And after I’d said it, I did know. “Actually, I like it. I like the idea of it.”

“Why?”

“I dunno.” And after I’d said it, I did know. Maybe I should never say anything, I thought. I should just listen to the questions and answer them on text or e-mail when I got home. (pp.180-181)

“You weren’t going to tell me I’m screwed for a third time, were you?”

“So explain why you’re not.”

“I can’t explain why I’m not. Because I am.” (p.196)

“When somebody tells a kid our age that he’s screwed, he’s usually not, is he? Not really. I mean, maybe it will end up with him getting a slap. Or a bollocking from a teacher. But it isn’t going to ruin their life, is it? Something little happens and it’s over. But you becoming a father … That’s serious, isn’t it? I mean, you really are––“

“Don’t say it again. Really. Otherwise you’re screwed. Old-school. In other words, I’ll have to give you a slap.” (p.196)

“Roof.” “This one.” “Dumpling.” Why didn’t people ever call babies their real names? (Sam, p.203)

“Hello.”

“It’s Bee.”

“Oh. Hello, Bee.”

“Bee. Not Bee.”

“Bee not Bee? What does that mean?”

“It’s Alicia. And I’ve got a cold. So I’m trying to say, you know, ‘It’s Alicia,’ except I’m saying ‘It’s Bee,’ and it comes out as ‘It’s Bee.’ “

“Me.”

“Yes. Bloody hell. Have you woken up stupid?”

“Yes.” It just seemed easier to admit it. (p.205)

I was sure I wasn’t the best dad in the world, but the feeling I’d got from Alicia and Roof when I went to pick him up was that I wasn’t the worst either. Not knowing your kid’s name, though… that wasn’t good. Even the worst dad in the world knows his kid’s name, which made me worse than the worst dad in the world. (pp.210-211)

“I call him Roof,” I said.

“What does everyone else call him?”

“We all call him Roof.”

“What’s his name?“

“I think I’d better come back tomorrow,” I said.

“Yeah,” said the woman. “When you’ve got to know him a bit better. Spend a little quality time with him. Have a father-son bonding session. Ask him his name, stuff like that.”

On the way to the park, I asked Roof his name.

“Rufus,” he said.

Rufus. Of course it was. I wish I’d asked him on the way there, instead of on the way out. (p.211)

I suppose kids are always being asked stuff they already know. (p.212)

Suddenly, she made tis terrible, terrible noise. She sounded like an animal, although I couldn’t tell you which animal, because I don’t know much about wildlife and all that. The closest to it ive ever heard was a donkey, in a field next to our hotel in Spain. The watch nearly ended up in the bath again, this time because I near;y jumped out of my skin. (p.233)

“What was that?” she said.

I looked at her. She didn’t know? She thought there was someone else in the room? Or a donkey?

“It was . . . It was you,” I said. I didn’t like saying it. It sounded rude.

“Not the noise, you fucking fucking moron,” she said. I know that was me. The timing. How many minutes?”

I was relieved that I hadn’t made understood, because that meant she wasn’t going mad. On the other hand, I didn’t know how many minutes it was, and I knew she’d be angry with me.

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” she said. “Why the bloody bastard hell not?”

They warned us in the classes about the bad language. The woman said that our partners might call us names and say things they didn’t mean, because of the pain and all that. I’d got the idea that she wasn’t going to start swearing until the pushing bit, though, so this wasn’t a good sign. (p.234)

And I know it sounds stupid, but one of the things im most proud of in my life is that I didn’t say, “Me too.” I felt like saying it, of course. It was already frightening and it hadn’t even started yet. I just said, “It’ll be fine,” and squeezed her hand back. It wasn’t much use, what I said. But it was better than saying “Me too” and bursting into tears and/or running away to Hastings. (pp.234-235)

I plugged the CD player in and put on my CD, which probably seems a bit selfish to you. But my thinking was that nobody would mind my music too much at the beginning, so I could get it out of the way. And as it was all loud and fast and skate music, it might give Alicia some energy. The first song was “American Idiot” by Green Day.

“Turn that off before I kill you,” she said. “I don’t want to hear about American idiots.” So that was the end of my music. I put her CD on.

“What is that shit?” she said. “It’s horrible.”

“I told you this wouldn’t be any good.” I said. I couldn’t resist it. I knew it wasn’t the right time, but I knew I’d been right to tell her.

“This isn’t mine,” said Alicia. “You must have put this on.”

“That is such a lie,” I said. I was really angry. I didn’t like Justin Timberlake (and I still don’t), so I wasn’t happy about her saying that he was my choice. But it was the unfairness that got me most of all. I’d told her it was shit! I’d told her it wouldn’t be right for her labor! And now she was telling me it was all my idea. (p.237)

“For the next however many hours we’re in here, we all do what she says, and agree with what she says, and get her what she wants, OK?”

“OK.”

“This is good practice,” she said.

“For what?”

“Having a kid. You have to let things go about fifty times a day.” ( p.238 )

Neither of us was sure about having Alicia’s mum at the birth. But we would have been in trouble without her. I’d have stomped off home in a rage before Roof was born, leaving Alicia with the stupid music that she chose driving her mental while she was trying to have a baby. The truth was, we needed a parent, not a kid. (pp.238-239)

She stopped sounding like a donkey and started sounding like a lion which is having one of itss eyes poked out with a stick. And it wasn’t just that she sounded angry either. She actually was angry. She called me names and her mum names and my mum names, and she called the nurse names. It sounded to me like the names she was calling me were worse than the names she was calling the others, which is why Andrea kept having to stop me from walking out the door, but to be honest I might have just been looking for an excuse to leave. (pp.241-242)

I hate time. It never does what you want it to. ( p.288 )

Totoo pala yung kasabihang, “Life is full of surprises.”

Nadidiyahe talaga ako noon sa mga mababait kong kaibigan pag nagyayaya akong makipag-inuman. (Isa lang sa kanila ang umiinom. At nagkataon pang matinik sa inuman, hahaha!) Ang pangit kasi ng dating. Bad example. Ganon kasi tingin ko dati sa mga umiinom. Siyempre, hindi ko naman inakala na magkakaganon din pala ako balang araw.

Sa ngalan ng pakikisama nabibinyagan ang tao.

Hindi mo gusto pero sige na nga. Ramdam mo ang pressure kaya hindi madaling tumanggi.

I dare you.

Summer 2005. Bininyagan ako.

1. Kamikaze
2. Frozen Blue Margarita
3. Long island ice tea
4. Screw driver
5. Bailey’s

Iba na talaga pag family pressure. Hehehehe.

Malapit na kasi ang Oktoberfest. Gusto ko ng opisyal na binyag.

Kaso, beer?!?

Lilipad na naman ako bukas ng gabi. Balik DC ng tatlong linggo.

May task na kailangang tuparin. Gaya ng housemates sa Pinoy Big Brother, kailangan ko ring patunayan ang aking pagkamasunurin sa The Big Bully.

Ang buhay ko ngayon ay parang isang pingpong.

Wala akong dapat ikwento sa mga sandaling ito, dahil palagay ko’y, ito na ang tinatawag kong “The Great Perhaps.“

Kung gusto mo ng mga kwento, lumipat ka sa kwento ng iska.

Narating ko na ang pinakatampok na yugto ng aking buhay. Hindi ko ito dapat pakawalan sa pagtipa ko ng mga letra sa keyboard. Ang ganitong bagay ay dapat sinasarili na lamang.

Kung hindi mo masundan ang sinasabi ko, huwag kang mag-alala. Siguro’y hindi mo pa napanood ang Into The Wild. Siguro’y hindi mo ito pinanood pagkatapos ng iyong university graduation. At siguradong hindi ka katulad ko na parang sponge. 

Mabuti siguro para sa iyo kung wala ka nang malaman pa tungkol sa huling pangungusap na nabanggit.

Katulad ng matagal ko nang binabanggit, hindi ako nanlilimos ng awa.

Bukas ng gabi ang flight ko at hindi pa ako nag-iimpake. Di pa rin tiyak kung may susundo sa akin pagdating sa DC.

Sana ay hindi ako matakot sa posibilidad ng bloopers. Dahil ika nga ni Jun Cruz Reyes, “Walang masamang karanasan sa isang artist.”

Sana ay makakita ako ng kasiyahan sa katangahan. After all, “Ignorance is bliss.”

“Bikol must resurface.”

Quoted from the ‘Grandma’ of Bikol literature, UP Professor Emeritus Ma. Lilia F. Realubit, PhD.

***

Kung nata ngunyan ko sana o ini narumduman

Haloy ko na ini muyang gibohon

Ngunyan lugod oni na baga

Ini ang taramon ko

Ini ang pagkatawo ko

Kung nata napairaruman na

Inda ko sana, bua.

Nata ako malakaw

Habo ko na magrayo

Tibat dae na ako makauli

Wara mang maapod sako pabalik

Ako na sana ang natada

O iyo sana ang muya kong isipon

Inda sana

Muya ko na mag-uli samo

Samo duman sa harong

Sa harong na tigkatorogan ko

Duman sa tigkawatan ko

Kung saen ako nagdakula

Kung saen ako nagdakulang marhay

Ang pagkatawo, ang pagdulok sa iba,

Gabos

Hatodi na nindo ako

Wara digdi ang boot ko

Lawas sana akong nalalanob digdi

Urualdaw, burubanggi

Ang payo ko nagkukulog na

Dae ko na aram ang maraot sa bako

Dagit ako sa iya

Kung bako dahil sa iya

Yaon ako duman

Yaon kami duman

Magkairibanan

Hanggang pagdakula

Hanggang panggurang

Kuta bako ako maraot

Kuta bako matagas ang payo ko

Kuta bako arayo ang boot ko

Kuta bako sadiri ang tigkakauron ko pirmi

Kuta bako ako arog kani

Lintian

Gadani na sana ngani ako

Kung habo nindo ako paulion

Gadani na sana

Kung padaba talaga nindo ako

Gadani na sana

Kung may pagtobod pa kamo sako

Bilang tawo

PAKYU MULTO!

PAKYU!  PAKYU!

PAKYU SEROTONIN! 

PAKYU PAKYU! 

PUTANGINAMO DESMOND TINY!

Ako’y nabighani nang una kong madungaw ang tanawin sa bangin.

Noon kasi’y takot akong silipin ang bangin. Pero ngayon, sa tuwing may pagkakataon, ginugugol ko ang aking oras para malasin ang tanawin sa bangin.

Sa tindi nga ng pagkahumaling ko’y ilang beses din akong nagtangkang puntahan mismo ang namalas kong tanawin sa bangin.

Kaya lamang, ayaw akong payagan.

Ako’y pinipigilan.

Mahal ko sila pero ano ba naman ang isang sandali ng pagbibigay-ligaya sa sarili?

Sabi nila’y hindi na raw ako babalik.

Wala nang maghuhugas ng pinggan at bibili ng Krispy Kreme.

Hinahanapan pa ako ng waiver at insurance.

Isama ko raw sila.

Nalungkot ako.

Kaya isang gabi tumakas ako para hanapin ang shortcut papunta sa bangin.

Payapa ang gabi.

Pinasok ko ang gubat.

Tanging ang bilog na buwan ang aking gabay sa kasukalan.

Natunton ko ang shortcut sa bangin.

Pagtalon ko nakita ko ang Bunyip sa mga ulap.

Nakipagtitigan ako sa kanya at bigla siyang ngumiti.

Saka niya inangat ang hawak na bote ng Kristov habang ako’y unti-unting nilalamon ng dilim at nalalaglag sa bangin.

“So what’s the vodka for?“

“For the soul. If it’s hurting real bad.“

(p.370, Nightwatch by Sergei Lukyanenko)